Ok, so I have a new blog! Don't be too harsh with it cause it is still under construction!
beingmrskgrant.blogspot.com
go check it ouuuutt!
<3
Friday, June 1, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
always...
I am a control freak. There, I said it. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right?? So today I had a realization. I cannot keep doing this to myself. I just can't. We were never meant to control our own lives. Our human lives were not created to have control. The Lord desires for me to put my faith and my trust in him. The evil one would have me believe that I can do it all. He is setting me up for failure. Every single time. One of my deep rooted sins is trying to take control. I think there have been times in my life when I have been let down by other people and I try to take up the slack and take control. "Better for it to be done right the first time...." was ALWAYS my motto. I relinquish the control and I am disappointed. I have to wrap my head around the idea that things aren't always going to be the way I will them to be. It is not my job to be in control. Ever. This goes hand and hand with my other deep rooted sin--worry. I worry so much that, currently, I have about 4 huge ulcers in my mouth. It is really painful, let me tell you. Anyway, it has been brought to my attention by the Lord today that what I am doing is ridiculous. There is absolutely nothing that I can do to change the future. I can plan and plan and plan my little brains out, but the Lord has a bigger plan for my life. That doesn't mean that I need to live my life by the seat of my pants or anything, but I need to have more faith.
I feel like sometimes I compare my earthly father to my Father. It is hard to imagine a Father that will never let you down when your earthly father has fallen short so many times. But time and time again, my Lord has picked me up. Dusted me off, and said to me, "There. Now was that so hard?" And truly, I tell you... No. It wasn't so hard. The hard part was the struggle initially when he was trying to take my problem away from me and I just wouldn't let the guy have it. When I finally turn it over (after I have so many ulcers in my mouth that I can't hardly eat) it is easy. Next time... I will give it away.
Day by day I am building my faith.
Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, his promise is true
My God will come through Always.
I feel like sometimes I compare my earthly father to my Father. It is hard to imagine a Father that will never let you down when your earthly father has fallen short so many times. But time and time again, my Lord has picked me up. Dusted me off, and said to me, "There. Now was that so hard?" And truly, I tell you... No. It wasn't so hard. The hard part was the struggle initially when he was trying to take my problem away from me and I just wouldn't let the guy have it. When I finally turn it over (after I have so many ulcers in my mouth that I can't hardly eat) it is easy. Next time... I will give it away.
Day by day I am building my faith.
Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, his promise is true
My God will come through Always.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
mornings are ruff.
I would just like to share a few reasons as to why I need to become more organized. Prime example: this morning. This morning I thought that I would be on top of my game by waking up early and going to the gym. My alarm goes off at 5:30. I kind of freak out because I have no idea why it is going off so early. I finally figure out that no one is trying to murder me or anything so I get out of bed. First issue of the day: Can't find my left shoe. I looked all over my room. Under the bed.... in the closet.... beside the dresser... in my gym bag.... bitch ain't no where.
I finally find my shoe and decide to head to the gym, despite my desire to just go back to bed... The gym really isn't so bad... except my stupid ipod is not charged... my exact thought was... "What the #$%&" I was so pissed. I struggle through my work out having to listen to my own thoughts instead of my super cool emo music.
I finally finish and decide I had better go home so I can get ready for work. I take a shower... out of conditioner. I squeeze some from a bunch of old bottles to get enough to put some on the ends of my hair. The morning progresses and I am becoming increasingly late for work as I have not actually gotten ready at all because I was too busy trying to defrost my frozen fruit for my smoothy. (I thought that would make the morning quicker by freezing it the night before.) Typical. While trying to get that together I slice the S%^& out of my effing thumb. Wonderful. There is blood everywhere. Super cool. And there is a blueberry in my wound. Maybe the Anti-oxidants will prevent infection.
I finally figure out my life and am getting ready to go when I realize I cannot find my phone OR my keys. SUPER. I mean, I just had them. So I do a little searchy through my room again and finally find them. At this time the clock says 8:22 so I will be no where near on time.
I finally get out of the door at 8:30. I am 30 minutes late to work. already.
Basically, this is the stress of my daily life. I have to get organized ASAP. Which means SIMPLIFYING my life like I said I wanted to. If I didn't have so much crap I could maybe find it a little sooner. I have to throw a bunch of stuff away... I'll letcha know how that goes....
I finally find my shoe and decide to head to the gym, despite my desire to just go back to bed... The gym really isn't so bad... except my stupid ipod is not charged... my exact thought was... "What the #$%&" I was so pissed. I struggle through my work out having to listen to my own thoughts instead of my super cool emo music.
I finally finish and decide I had better go home so I can get ready for work. I take a shower... out of conditioner. I squeeze some from a bunch of old bottles to get enough to put some on the ends of my hair. The morning progresses and I am becoming increasingly late for work as I have not actually gotten ready at all because I was too busy trying to defrost my frozen fruit for my smoothy. (I thought that would make the morning quicker by freezing it the night before.) Typical. While trying to get that together I slice the S%^& out of my effing thumb. Wonderful. There is blood everywhere. Super cool. And there is a blueberry in my wound. Maybe the Anti-oxidants will prevent infection.
I finally figure out my life and am getting ready to go when I realize I cannot find my phone OR my keys. SUPER. I mean, I just had them. So I do a little searchy through my room again and finally find them. At this time the clock says 8:22 so I will be no where near on time.
I finally get out of the door at 8:30. I am 30 minutes late to work. already.
Basically, this is the stress of my daily life. I have to get organized ASAP. Which means SIMPLIFYING my life like I said I wanted to. If I didn't have so much crap I could maybe find it a little sooner. I have to throw a bunch of stuff away... I'll letcha know how that goes....
Thursday, February 23, 2012
cry me a river
today i need the Lord to grant me patience. i am having a hard time accepting and forgiving. i am having a hard time dealing with people that lack compassion. they only think about themselves and then wonder why their relationships are failing. people wonder why depression is so rampant. it is not a hard concept. i have been diagnosed with clinical depression more than one time in my life. i can say from experience that there is no amount of prescription happy pills or booze or sex or food that can fill that void and cure depression. sure, it may make it seem better for a while and you might possibly be a little bit more tolerable to others around you for a few days/weeks/months. reality is, it ALWAYS comes back. always.
i am going to shed some light and share a little secret of mine to solve these unsolvable problems. step outside of yourself. find a cause that you feel is worth fighting for. ask a friend/spouse/boyfriend questions about their life. stop dumping your crap on them. THINK ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE BESIDES YOURSELF. it is literally as simple as that. give your stuff to God. he wants your crap way more than everyone else.
i cannot number how many nights i spent crying about my life and complaining about how horrible of a hand the Lord had dealt me. i didn't understand why no one loved me. i didn't understand why my medications weren't magically making it all better.
my mother is a wise ol' gal, lemme tell ya. she had been telling me all my life how blessed i was that i had freedom, food, a roof over my head, a family... there were kids out there who didn't have all of that. I don't think that actually registered in my mind. those kids weren't here. those kids don't know MY problems.
anyway, one day when i was soppin' wet from all my pitiful tears she looked me straight in the eye and said, "stop feeling sorry for yourself. you need to think about other people more than yourself. count your blessings. put all that energy that you are spending on negative thoughts into helping other people. be there for those you love. that will make you feel better."
I know it is easier said than done, and of course i didn't change my tune immediately and forever right then and there... but what she said is true. every time i catch myself only thinking about myself i find myself in a very dark place. i try to remember what she said and pray. once you get outside of your poor pitiful gray little world, things seem to be a little brighter.
i am telling ya, there is nothing that "state of mind" can't heal.
with that being said...
GET OVER YOURSELF!!
<3
Ok, so I thought about it and realized that depression isn't ONLY solved by becoming less self-involved. I mean, that is a large part of it, it truly is. There are some people with a true chemical imbalance, however, pills alone will not cure the problem or reverse the epidemic. And there are too many people out there just walking around with a prescription to fix something they don't genuinely have. Just figured I'd throw that one in there :)
i am going to shed some light and share a little secret of mine to solve these unsolvable problems. step outside of yourself. find a cause that you feel is worth fighting for. ask a friend/spouse/boyfriend questions about their life. stop dumping your crap on them. THINK ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE BESIDES YOURSELF. it is literally as simple as that. give your stuff to God. he wants your crap way more than everyone else.
i cannot number how many nights i spent crying about my life and complaining about how horrible of a hand the Lord had dealt me. i didn't understand why no one loved me. i didn't understand why my medications weren't magically making it all better.
my mother is a wise ol' gal, lemme tell ya. she had been telling me all my life how blessed i was that i had freedom, food, a roof over my head, a family... there were kids out there who didn't have all of that. I don't think that actually registered in my mind. those kids weren't here. those kids don't know MY problems.
anyway, one day when i was soppin' wet from all my pitiful tears she looked me straight in the eye and said, "stop feeling sorry for yourself. you need to think about other people more than yourself. count your blessings. put all that energy that you are spending on negative thoughts into helping other people. be there for those you love. that will make you feel better."
I know it is easier said than done, and of course i didn't change my tune immediately and forever right then and there... but what she said is true. every time i catch myself only thinking about myself i find myself in a very dark place. i try to remember what she said and pray. once you get outside of your poor pitiful gray little world, things seem to be a little brighter.
i am telling ya, there is nothing that "state of mind" can't heal.
with that being said...
GET OVER YOURSELF!!
<3
Ok, so I thought about it and realized that depression isn't ONLY solved by becoming less self-involved. I mean, that is a large part of it, it truly is. There are some people with a true chemical imbalance, however, pills alone will not cure the problem or reverse the epidemic. And there are too many people out there just walking around with a prescription to fix something they don't genuinely have. Just figured I'd throw that one in there :)
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
building blocks
This weekend, my fiance and I attended a marital counseling/seminar. I have to admit that the main reason why we attended this thing was because you get $60 off your marital license for completing something like this. I was pleasantly surprised that it might have given us more tools to better our relationship and strengthen our future marriage. Before completing the seminar I felt confident but there was a part of me that was a little worried. Not because of him, but because I have some terrible tendencies that I was afraid would take over at some point. Anyway, I just wanted to post some of the most important things that I learned.
1. The first thing we learned that completely opened my eyes was the idea that men have brains like a hotel and women have brains like yarn. What that means is that men tend to think more compartmentalized. They have one thought that typically does not lead to another thought. They store things in their brains in different rooms and there is no combining those thoughts. Women's brains are like yarn because everything is connected to something else. This is how women can multi-task. We think of millions of things at one time. One is not better than the other, they are just different and we need to learn to embrace the differences, while also striving to understand that my partner may not view things the same way I do.
2. I realized for the very first time (I know this is very sad) that we are a team. We are not competing. No one can really ever win because we are supposed to be in it together. We need to stop trying to win arguments or prove the other wrong because if my husband is wrong, then I am wrong. We are meant to help each other survive this life together. It is not every man for himself in marriage.
3. Something else I realized is that having expectations are bad. Ok, I realize that you must have expectations when you are dating someone because you don't want to settle, but once you are married, there is no "there must be something better for me out there." You choose to accept that person as they are, past, present and future. Just because you should not have expectations of that person, it does not mean you should not have expectations for the relationship. In the relationship you should take responsibility for making those expectations that you have for the relationship a reality. The only person you can have expectations for is your self.
4. I feel like K and I have always had an understanding about faith and our relationship. It is not about denomination but more about welcoming the Lord into our marriage. There are going to be times when we will not be able to stand being in the same room and we may feel like it is time to call it quits. That is when you put your faith and the whole relationship in God's hands. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. This is something that I feel like we need to remember more than anything.
All in all, I feel like it was a productive weekend. We ate some really good food and had a major reality check. I feel like this made me realize that we can do this together. K is very important to me and I am so glad that I will marry someone who is willing to sit through something like this with me and actually come out on the other side with some appreciation and knowledge as well.
1. The first thing we learned that completely opened my eyes was the idea that men have brains like a hotel and women have brains like yarn. What that means is that men tend to think more compartmentalized. They have one thought that typically does not lead to another thought. They store things in their brains in different rooms and there is no combining those thoughts. Women's brains are like yarn because everything is connected to something else. This is how women can multi-task. We think of millions of things at one time. One is not better than the other, they are just different and we need to learn to embrace the differences, while also striving to understand that my partner may not view things the same way I do.
2. I realized for the very first time (I know this is very sad) that we are a team. We are not competing. No one can really ever win because we are supposed to be in it together. We need to stop trying to win arguments or prove the other wrong because if my husband is wrong, then I am wrong. We are meant to help each other survive this life together. It is not every man for himself in marriage.
3. Something else I realized is that having expectations are bad. Ok, I realize that you must have expectations when you are dating someone because you don't want to settle, but once you are married, there is no "there must be something better for me out there." You choose to accept that person as they are, past, present and future. Just because you should not have expectations of that person, it does not mean you should not have expectations for the relationship. In the relationship you should take responsibility for making those expectations that you have for the relationship a reality. The only person you can have expectations for is your self.
4. I feel like K and I have always had an understanding about faith and our relationship. It is not about denomination but more about welcoming the Lord into our marriage. There are going to be times when we will not be able to stand being in the same room and we may feel like it is time to call it quits. That is when you put your faith and the whole relationship in God's hands. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. This is something that I feel like we need to remember more than anything.
All in all, I feel like it was a productive weekend. We ate some really good food and had a major reality check. I feel like this made me realize that we can do this together. K is very important to me and I am so glad that I will marry someone who is willing to sit through something like this with me and actually come out on the other side with some appreciation and knowledge as well.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
follow you
Please excuse the face that I have already posted today. I would try and just edit my post from this morning, but that post and this one just really don't go together....Heard this song on the radio and felt the lyrics refreshed my memory as to why I do my job... even though most days I hate it...Check it.
'Cause Faith without works is dead
And on the cross your blood was she'd
So how could I not give it away so freely?
And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.
I give all myself.
I give all myself
I give all myself... to you.
And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.
<3
You lived among the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away.
All my needs you have supplied.
When I was dead you gave me life.
How could I not give it away so freely?
And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.
Use my hands, use my feet
To make your kingdom come
Through the corners of the earth
Until your work is done
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away.
All my needs you have supplied.
When I was dead you gave me life.
How could I not give it away so freely?
And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.
Use my hands, use my feet
To make your kingdom come
Through the corners of the earth
Until your work is done
'Cause Faith without works is dead
And on the cross your blood was she'd
So how could I not give it away so freely?
And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.
I give all myself.
I give all myself
I give all myself... to you.
And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.
<3
blahblahblah
Soooo... I just felt as though this was HILARIOUS so I felt like I should put it somewhere that no one ever sees... aka this blog... (sarcasm... I know that is really hard to convey via internet.. eeesh I gotta work on that)...
I just wanted to say that I am becoming increasingly frustrated with others around me. I feel like the Lord must be doing a number on my heart and trying to get it right because holy cow I might kill someone these days. I don't want to be all bridezilla about my wedding or anything... but it is MY wedding. If you don't want to be a part of it or stick your neck out just a little bit for what is going to be the most important day of my life then you can just move right along. Because I guarantee that I don't need you to make this special for me.
I see selfishness in others, but then I feel convicted because I am being selfish. I am the one who is completely obsessed with this whole wedding thing, and why should I expect anyone else to be totally into it? Well mostly because I would be that way for your wedding... Oh but there I go being selfish again. Maybe I just should learn to not rely on anyone else and just do it myself. Then I can't get disappointed with other people with it doesn't go my way. Eh... whatevs.
That's why I feel like the Lord must be trying to work in me. Because I do feel convicted. How can I expect someone to be self-less when I am being selfish? Oy.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Philippians 2:2-4
....Ah crap.
I just wanted to say that I am becoming increasingly frustrated with others around me. I feel like the Lord must be doing a number on my heart and trying to get it right because holy cow I might kill someone these days. I don't want to be all bridezilla about my wedding or anything... but it is MY wedding. If you don't want to be a part of it or stick your neck out just a little bit for what is going to be the most important day of my life then you can just move right along. Because I guarantee that I don't need you to make this special for me.
I see selfishness in others, but then I feel convicted because I am being selfish. I am the one who is completely obsessed with this whole wedding thing, and why should I expect anyone else to be totally into it? Well mostly because I would be that way for your wedding... Oh but there I go being selfish again. Maybe I just should learn to not rely on anyone else and just do it myself. Then I can't get disappointed with other people with it doesn't go my way. Eh... whatevs.
That's why I feel like the Lord must be trying to work in me. Because I do feel convicted. How can I expect someone to be self-less when I am being selfish? Oy.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Philippians 2:2-4
....Ah crap.
Monday, February 13, 2012
better late than never
I realize that we are halfway through the second month of the year... and while I sincerely hate to make New Years resolutions because let's face it... I never stick to them, I decided instead of making resolutions I should make some promises to myself to better my life. So... without further ado, my promises ladies and gents:
1. I promise to run more. As of late, I have really discovered that running is like therapy for me. I literally let out all of my frustration when I am running. I don't worry about what I have to do tomorrow or what I need to clean or what my fiance said to me that made me want to implode.
2. I promise to develop my relationship with the Lord. This is something that has been very hard for me because when things are going good, I forget to thank the big man upstairs or even holla at him occasionally. I realize that I need to be more in check with him or how can I honestly expect to grow as an individual?
3. I promise to eat better. I have been seeing a lot of sick-nasty crap on the internet lately about my beloved McNuggets. I know, I know, why would I ever have liked them in the first place?? I don't know, it was my dirty little secret. I promise my body that I will not ingest poison like that again. And not just the McNugg... everything that is fast food. Gag me.
4. I promise to simplify my life. This one is probably going to be the hardest one for me to accomplish. Although, I feel like most of the things that I want to promise myself root from this one. I want to literally get rid of everything that I don't need or have no use for. I am about to be getting married and I gotta downsize anyway, so perf time to get this in order. This includes things, foods, and where and when I spend money. I think this will take the most conscious effort.
5. I promise to figure out what my dream is. I feel like I have been walking through this life with no sense of direction. I have been fickle about my decisions and where I want to go in the future. It is time to get right with myself and understand the desires of my heart. I know that only God can lead me in the right direction, so this one kind of plays off of bettering my relationship with the Lord.
6. I promise to work at bettering my relationship with my future husband. I realize that at times I do not value the man that I am going to marry. He is really amazing and treats me like I am a princess. It is time to stop taking that for granted. I think we need to spend more time expanding our relationship. and less time in front of the TV. I am thankful that I have a whole lifetime to work on this promise.
7. I promise to stay positive. This is a hard thing for me because I do tend to complain and see things from a negative perspective. That stops now. Some mornings it is hard to wake up and appreciate my life and what the Lord has blessed me with. It is very easy to see the awful in this world. But no one wants to be around a negative person... it rubs off so easily. Attitude is a choice. I heard once that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. I am choosing to react positively.
1. I promise to run more. As of late, I have really discovered that running is like therapy for me. I literally let out all of my frustration when I am running. I don't worry about what I have to do tomorrow or what I need to clean or what my fiance said to me that made me want to implode.
2. I promise to develop my relationship with the Lord. This is something that has been very hard for me because when things are going good, I forget to thank the big man upstairs or even holla at him occasionally. I realize that I need to be more in check with him or how can I honestly expect to grow as an individual?
3. I promise to eat better. I have been seeing a lot of sick-nasty crap on the internet lately about my beloved McNuggets. I know, I know, why would I ever have liked them in the first place?? I don't know, it was my dirty little secret. I promise my body that I will not ingest poison like that again. And not just the McNugg... everything that is fast food. Gag me.
4. I promise to simplify my life. This one is probably going to be the hardest one for me to accomplish. Although, I feel like most of the things that I want to promise myself root from this one. I want to literally get rid of everything that I don't need or have no use for. I am about to be getting married and I gotta downsize anyway, so perf time to get this in order. This includes things, foods, and where and when I spend money. I think this will take the most conscious effort.
5. I promise to figure out what my dream is. I feel like I have been walking through this life with no sense of direction. I have been fickle about my decisions and where I want to go in the future. It is time to get right with myself and understand the desires of my heart. I know that only God can lead me in the right direction, so this one kind of plays off of bettering my relationship with the Lord.
6. I promise to work at bettering my relationship with my future husband. I realize that at times I do not value the man that I am going to marry. He is really amazing and treats me like I am a princess. It is time to stop taking that for granted. I think we need to spend more time expanding our relationship. and less time in front of the TV. I am thankful that I have a whole lifetime to work on this promise.
7. I promise to stay positive. This is a hard thing for me because I do tend to complain and see things from a negative perspective. That stops now. Some mornings it is hard to wake up and appreciate my life and what the Lord has blessed me with. It is very easy to see the awful in this world. But no one wants to be around a negative person... it rubs off so easily. Attitude is a choice. I heard once that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. I am choosing to react positively.
<3
Friday, January 20, 2012
lyrics to some emo song.....
Some one wise once told me that "people will only treat you the way that you let them." I know it is kind of a backwards version of "do unto others" or whatever, but it is true. There were some pretty crappy relationships that I have been in over the course of my lifetime. I had this one boyfriend that I just knew I was going to marry. He was really cool and was really good looking (until he stopped bathing... which is a totally different story in itself). I loved his family. I mean loved them. His parents were so nice to me and I got along great with his sister. I may have liked them more than I liked him, but he was apart of the package I guess. He was usually nice to me and he was there for me when I was going through an extremely hard time. He was an emotional backboard when I had no one. Unfortunately, looking back, I have begun to realize that he was part of the reason why I had no one but him. He demanded all of my time and made me feel guilty when I wanted to hang out with my friends. Totally not cool. We began to fight a lot. I mean a lot. Atomic bomb style. Either way, he cheated on me with his raunchy ass ex-girlfriend and I felt like I had to stay with him because I was indebted to him for being there for me when I was hurting. That wasn't right. And that girl was SUCH a bitch. She faked a pregnancy scare 4 days after they did it. I mean, come on. Seriously?
We stayed together for like a month afterward and I believed that it was going to work. Granted, I always thought about them together and I brought it up and hung it over his head the rest of out relationship (but don't feel bad for him, he was still pretty rude to me too...) But, I remember the time that I realized that I didn't need to put up with his crap anymore. Some people were in awe of how great of a person I was because I was able to forgive him. One of my friends at the time told me that she really admired me because I was "such a good and forgiving person." Part of me really believed that I was just "such a good and forgiving person." Even though every time she said that to me I would throw up in my mouth a little bit.
During all this crap my best friend and I were kind of going through a "falling out." Which not to place blame on anyone, but it was TOTALLY his fault (and partly mine I guess for choosing him ALL the time.) Anyway, we had just begun spending time together again and she said that she was just surprised that I decided to stay with him because she "had never known me to take shit from anyone." I am not going to lie that sort of struck something in me. All those people that thought that I was "such a forgiving person" had no idea that I hadn't forgiven him. I just stopped fighting for myself. I gave up. I let him break me and take all the pieces for himself. Needless to say, those people that thought that I was totally awesome didn't think that I was awesome after I dumped his ass.
I don't necessarily believe that love is blind. I believe that when you have love, it colors the world and that other person to you. You still see what they have done to you, but you find excuses or reasons why it is ok for them to walk all over you.
I don't want anyone to think that I still have feelings for this moronic assface that I am writing about. That ship sailed many years ago. I just hope someone can learn from my mistakes. And, I just want to reiterate something... People will only treat you the way you let them. People will only treat you the way you let them.
People will only treat you the way you let them.
People will only treat you the way you let them. Got it? Good.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
wowzas.
This is going to be short and to the point...
I just read in this group that I am in that the maternity home that I was adopted out of used to change the birthdays of some of the babies that were born there... to make it harder for them to find their birth parents later in life.
What if my birthday really isn't my birthday?
AAAND in the 60s they would SELL the babies to the highest bidder.... good thing I wasn't born in the 60s
I just read in this group that I am in that the maternity home that I was adopted out of used to change the birthdays of some of the babies that were born there... to make it harder for them to find their birth parents later in life.
What if my birthday really isn't my birthday?
AAAND in the 60s they would SELL the babies to the highest bidder.... good thing I wasn't born in the 60s
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Someday...
There are days when I hardly think of her. There are days when I never think of her at all. Then there are days when I am completely consumed with wonder and confusion. Today is one of those days. Today, instead of working on my piles of paperwork that continues to grow, I find myself checking all of these random websites that have post after post of someone begging to find someone else. Someone that they once knew even if it was for just a short time.
I have known my whole life that I was adopted--"special" as my mother called it. She told me since I was a small child that I was carried in another lady's tummy. My mom told me that she chose me. It always made me feel good about myself. In fact, I used to say to my brother-- "mom was STUCK with you, but she CHOSE me." It was a fight he couldn't win. I was special and he wasn't. At least in my mind.
It wasn't until I got older that I realized there actually was someone else out in the world who could have been my mother. Before I go any further I want to make something clear... I know that the Lord blessed me greatly by putting me in a home with a woman who cares for me more than anything in the world. She has always been good to me and done everything that she could for me, and I love her...she IS my mother.
But there has always been this spot on my heart. It is more like a shadow, if you will. A spot that literally aches every now and then.
I don't really know what I would hope to find if I ever searched for her. I don't know that I would really want a relationship. I might. More than anything I know that I just want closure. I want to know the reason she did it. I want to know what it was like to give up a baby. I want to know if she thinks about me like I think about her. I want to know if she has any other children. I just want to know what she looks like, for crying out loud.
As the years go by, I have more trouble coming up with reasons why I shouldn't search for her. But there is always one reason I keep coming back to. That reason is the woman who raised me. I feel like she deserves to always be my mother. And I think part of me is afraid that if I do find her, my attention would be divided. I don't want that for her. She doesn't deserve that.
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