always...

I am a control freak. There, I said it. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right?? So today I had a realization. I cannot keep doing this to myself. I just can't. We were never meant to control our own lives. Our human lives were not created to have control. The Lord desires for me to put my faith and my trust in him. The evil one would have me believe that I can do it all. He is setting me up for failure. Every single time. One of my deep rooted sins is trying to take control. I think there have been times in my life when I have been let down by other people and I try to take up the slack and take control. "Better for it to be done right the first time...." was ALWAYS my motto. I relinquish the control and I am disappointed. I have to wrap my head around the idea that things aren't always going to be the way I will them to be. It is not my job to be in control. Ever. This goes hand and hand with my other deep rooted sin--worry. I worry so much that, currently, I have about 4 huge ulcers in my mouth. It is really painful, let me tell you. Anyway, it has been brought to my attention by the Lord today that what I am doing is ridiculous. There is absolutely nothing that I can do to change the future. I can plan and plan and plan my little brains out, but the Lord has a bigger plan for my life. That doesn't mean that I need to live my life by the seat of my pants or anything, but I need to have more faith.

 I feel like sometimes I compare my earthly father to my Father. It is hard to imagine a Father that will never let you down when your earthly father has fallen short so many times. But time and time again, my Lord has picked me up. Dusted me off, and said to me, "There. Now was that so hard?" And truly, I tell you... No. It wasn't so hard. The hard part was the struggle initially when he was trying to take my problem away from me and I just wouldn't let the guy have it. When I finally turn it over (after I have so many ulcers in my mouth that I can't hardly eat) it is easy. Next time... I will give it away.

Day by day I am building my faith.


Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, his promise is true
My God will come through Always.