There are days when I hardly think of her. There are days when I never think of her at all. Then there are days when I am completely consumed with wonder and confusion. Today is one of those days. Today, instead of working on my piles of paperwork that continues to grow, I find myself checking all of these random websites that have post after post of someone begging to find someone else. Someone that they once knew even if it was for just a short time.
I have known my whole life that I was adopted--"special" as my mother called it. She told me since I was a small child that I was carried in another lady's tummy. My mom told me that she chose me. It always made me feel good about myself. In fact, I used to say to my brother-- "mom was STUCK with you, but she CHOSE me." It was a fight he couldn't win. I was special and he wasn't. At least in my mind.
It wasn't until I got older that I realized there actually was someone else out in the world who could have been my mother. Before I go any further I want to make something clear... I know that the Lord blessed me greatly by putting me in a home with a woman who cares for me more than anything in the world. She has always been good to me and done everything that she could for me, and I love her...she IS my mother.
But there has always been this spot on my heart. It is more like a shadow, if you will. A spot that literally aches every now and then.
I don't really know what I would hope to find if I ever searched for her. I don't know that I would really want a relationship. I might. More than anything I know that I just want closure. I want to know the reason she did it. I want to know what it was like to give up a baby. I want to know if she thinks about me like I think about her. I want to know if she has any other children. I just want to know what she looks like, for crying out loud.
As the years go by, I have more trouble coming up with reasons why I shouldn't search for her. But there is always one reason I keep coming back to. That reason is the woman who raised me. I feel like she deserves to always be my mother. And I think part of me is afraid that if I do find her, my attention would be divided. I don't want that for her. She doesn't deserve that.
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