Ok, so I have a new blog! Don't be too harsh with it cause it is still under construction!
beingmrskgrant.blogspot.com
go check it ouuuutt!
<3
Friday, June 1, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
always...
I am a control freak. There, I said it. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right?? So today I had a realization. I cannot keep doing this to myself. I just can't. We were never meant to control our own lives. Our human lives were not created to have control. The Lord desires for me to put my faith and my trust in him. The evil one would have me believe that I can do it all. He is setting me up for failure. Every single time. One of my deep rooted sins is trying to take control. I think there have been times in my life when I have been let down by other people and I try to take up the slack and take control. "Better for it to be done right the first time...." was ALWAYS my motto. I relinquish the control and I am disappointed. I have to wrap my head around the idea that things aren't always going to be the way I will them to be. It is not my job to be in control. Ever. This goes hand and hand with my other deep rooted sin--worry. I worry so much that, currently, I have about 4 huge ulcers in my mouth. It is really painful, let me tell you. Anyway, it has been brought to my attention by the Lord today that what I am doing is ridiculous. There is absolutely nothing that I can do to change the future. I can plan and plan and plan my little brains out, but the Lord has a bigger plan for my life. That doesn't mean that I need to live my life by the seat of my pants or anything, but I need to have more faith.
I feel like sometimes I compare my earthly father to my Father. It is hard to imagine a Father that will never let you down when your earthly father has fallen short so many times. But time and time again, my Lord has picked me up. Dusted me off, and said to me, "There. Now was that so hard?" And truly, I tell you... No. It wasn't so hard. The hard part was the struggle initially when he was trying to take my problem away from me and I just wouldn't let the guy have it. When I finally turn it over (after I have so many ulcers in my mouth that I can't hardly eat) it is easy. Next time... I will give it away.
Day by day I am building my faith.
Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, his promise is true
My God will come through Always.
I feel like sometimes I compare my earthly father to my Father. It is hard to imagine a Father that will never let you down when your earthly father has fallen short so many times. But time and time again, my Lord has picked me up. Dusted me off, and said to me, "There. Now was that so hard?" And truly, I tell you... No. It wasn't so hard. The hard part was the struggle initially when he was trying to take my problem away from me and I just wouldn't let the guy have it. When I finally turn it over (after I have so many ulcers in my mouth that I can't hardly eat) it is easy. Next time... I will give it away.
Day by day I am building my faith.
Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, his promise is true
My God will come through Always.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
mornings are ruff.
I would just like to share a few reasons as to why I need to become more organized. Prime example: this morning. This morning I thought that I would be on top of my game by waking up early and going to the gym. My alarm goes off at 5:30. I kind of freak out because I have no idea why it is going off so early. I finally figure out that no one is trying to murder me or anything so I get out of bed. First issue of the day: Can't find my left shoe. I looked all over my room. Under the bed.... in the closet.... beside the dresser... in my gym bag.... bitch ain't no where.
I finally find my shoe and decide to head to the gym, despite my desire to just go back to bed... The gym really isn't so bad... except my stupid ipod is not charged... my exact thought was... "What the #$%&" I was so pissed. I struggle through my work out having to listen to my own thoughts instead of my super cool emo music.
I finally finish and decide I had better go home so I can get ready for work. I take a shower... out of conditioner. I squeeze some from a bunch of old bottles to get enough to put some on the ends of my hair. The morning progresses and I am becoming increasingly late for work as I have not actually gotten ready at all because I was too busy trying to defrost my frozen fruit for my smoothy. (I thought that would make the morning quicker by freezing it the night before.) Typical. While trying to get that together I slice the S%^& out of my effing thumb. Wonderful. There is blood everywhere. Super cool. And there is a blueberry in my wound. Maybe the Anti-oxidants will prevent infection.
I finally figure out my life and am getting ready to go when I realize I cannot find my phone OR my keys. SUPER. I mean, I just had them. So I do a little searchy through my room again and finally find them. At this time the clock says 8:22 so I will be no where near on time.
I finally get out of the door at 8:30. I am 30 minutes late to work. already.
Basically, this is the stress of my daily life. I have to get organized ASAP. Which means SIMPLIFYING my life like I said I wanted to. If I didn't have so much crap I could maybe find it a little sooner. I have to throw a bunch of stuff away... I'll letcha know how that goes....
I finally find my shoe and decide to head to the gym, despite my desire to just go back to bed... The gym really isn't so bad... except my stupid ipod is not charged... my exact thought was... "What the #$%&" I was so pissed. I struggle through my work out having to listen to my own thoughts instead of my super cool emo music.
I finally finish and decide I had better go home so I can get ready for work. I take a shower... out of conditioner. I squeeze some from a bunch of old bottles to get enough to put some on the ends of my hair. The morning progresses and I am becoming increasingly late for work as I have not actually gotten ready at all because I was too busy trying to defrost my frozen fruit for my smoothy. (I thought that would make the morning quicker by freezing it the night before.) Typical. While trying to get that together I slice the S%^& out of my effing thumb. Wonderful. There is blood everywhere. Super cool. And there is a blueberry in my wound. Maybe the Anti-oxidants will prevent infection.
I finally figure out my life and am getting ready to go when I realize I cannot find my phone OR my keys. SUPER. I mean, I just had them. So I do a little searchy through my room again and finally find them. At this time the clock says 8:22 so I will be no where near on time.
I finally get out of the door at 8:30. I am 30 minutes late to work. already.
Basically, this is the stress of my daily life. I have to get organized ASAP. Which means SIMPLIFYING my life like I said I wanted to. If I didn't have so much crap I could maybe find it a little sooner. I have to throw a bunch of stuff away... I'll letcha know how that goes....
Thursday, February 23, 2012
cry me a river
today i need the Lord to grant me patience. i am having a hard time accepting and forgiving. i am having a hard time dealing with people that lack compassion. they only think about themselves and then wonder why their relationships are failing. people wonder why depression is so rampant. it is not a hard concept. i have been diagnosed with clinical depression more than one time in my life. i can say from experience that there is no amount of prescription happy pills or booze or sex or food that can fill that void and cure depression. sure, it may make it seem better for a while and you might possibly be a little bit more tolerable to others around you for a few days/weeks/months. reality is, it ALWAYS comes back. always.
i am going to shed some light and share a little secret of mine to solve these unsolvable problems. step outside of yourself. find a cause that you feel is worth fighting for. ask a friend/spouse/boyfriend questions about their life. stop dumping your crap on them. THINK ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE BESIDES YOURSELF. it is literally as simple as that. give your stuff to God. he wants your crap way more than everyone else.
i cannot number how many nights i spent crying about my life and complaining about how horrible of a hand the Lord had dealt me. i didn't understand why no one loved me. i didn't understand why my medications weren't magically making it all better.
my mother is a wise ol' gal, lemme tell ya. she had been telling me all my life how blessed i was that i had freedom, food, a roof over my head, a family... there were kids out there who didn't have all of that. I don't think that actually registered in my mind. those kids weren't here. those kids don't know MY problems.
anyway, one day when i was soppin' wet from all my pitiful tears she looked me straight in the eye and said, "stop feeling sorry for yourself. you need to think about other people more than yourself. count your blessings. put all that energy that you are spending on negative thoughts into helping other people. be there for those you love. that will make you feel better."
I know it is easier said than done, and of course i didn't change my tune immediately and forever right then and there... but what she said is true. every time i catch myself only thinking about myself i find myself in a very dark place. i try to remember what she said and pray. once you get outside of your poor pitiful gray little world, things seem to be a little brighter.
i am telling ya, there is nothing that "state of mind" can't heal.
with that being said...
GET OVER YOURSELF!!
<3
Ok, so I thought about it and realized that depression isn't ONLY solved by becoming less self-involved. I mean, that is a large part of it, it truly is. There are some people with a true chemical imbalance, however, pills alone will not cure the problem or reverse the epidemic. And there are too many people out there just walking around with a prescription to fix something they don't genuinely have. Just figured I'd throw that one in there :)
i am going to shed some light and share a little secret of mine to solve these unsolvable problems. step outside of yourself. find a cause that you feel is worth fighting for. ask a friend/spouse/boyfriend questions about their life. stop dumping your crap on them. THINK ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE BESIDES YOURSELF. it is literally as simple as that. give your stuff to God. he wants your crap way more than everyone else.
i cannot number how many nights i spent crying about my life and complaining about how horrible of a hand the Lord had dealt me. i didn't understand why no one loved me. i didn't understand why my medications weren't magically making it all better.
my mother is a wise ol' gal, lemme tell ya. she had been telling me all my life how blessed i was that i had freedom, food, a roof over my head, a family... there were kids out there who didn't have all of that. I don't think that actually registered in my mind. those kids weren't here. those kids don't know MY problems.
anyway, one day when i was soppin' wet from all my pitiful tears she looked me straight in the eye and said, "stop feeling sorry for yourself. you need to think about other people more than yourself. count your blessings. put all that energy that you are spending on negative thoughts into helping other people. be there for those you love. that will make you feel better."
I know it is easier said than done, and of course i didn't change my tune immediately and forever right then and there... but what she said is true. every time i catch myself only thinking about myself i find myself in a very dark place. i try to remember what she said and pray. once you get outside of your poor pitiful gray little world, things seem to be a little brighter.
i am telling ya, there is nothing that "state of mind" can't heal.
with that being said...
GET OVER YOURSELF!!
<3
Ok, so I thought about it and realized that depression isn't ONLY solved by becoming less self-involved. I mean, that is a large part of it, it truly is. There are some people with a true chemical imbalance, however, pills alone will not cure the problem or reverse the epidemic. And there are too many people out there just walking around with a prescription to fix something they don't genuinely have. Just figured I'd throw that one in there :)
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
building blocks
This weekend, my fiance and I attended a marital counseling/seminar. I have to admit that the main reason why we attended this thing was because you get $60 off your marital license for completing something like this. I was pleasantly surprised that it might have given us more tools to better our relationship and strengthen our future marriage. Before completing the seminar I felt confident but there was a part of me that was a little worried. Not because of him, but because I have some terrible tendencies that I was afraid would take over at some point. Anyway, I just wanted to post some of the most important things that I learned.
1. The first thing we learned that completely opened my eyes was the idea that men have brains like a hotel and women have brains like yarn. What that means is that men tend to think more compartmentalized. They have one thought that typically does not lead to another thought. They store things in their brains in different rooms and there is no combining those thoughts. Women's brains are like yarn because everything is connected to something else. This is how women can multi-task. We think of millions of things at one time. One is not better than the other, they are just different and we need to learn to embrace the differences, while also striving to understand that my partner may not view things the same way I do.
2. I realized for the very first time (I know this is very sad) that we are a team. We are not competing. No one can really ever win because we are supposed to be in it together. We need to stop trying to win arguments or prove the other wrong because if my husband is wrong, then I am wrong. We are meant to help each other survive this life together. It is not every man for himself in marriage.
3. Something else I realized is that having expectations are bad. Ok, I realize that you must have expectations when you are dating someone because you don't want to settle, but once you are married, there is no "there must be something better for me out there." You choose to accept that person as they are, past, present and future. Just because you should not have expectations of that person, it does not mean you should not have expectations for the relationship. In the relationship you should take responsibility for making those expectations that you have for the relationship a reality. The only person you can have expectations for is your self.
4. I feel like K and I have always had an understanding about faith and our relationship. It is not about denomination but more about welcoming the Lord into our marriage. There are going to be times when we will not be able to stand being in the same room and we may feel like it is time to call it quits. That is when you put your faith and the whole relationship in God's hands. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. This is something that I feel like we need to remember more than anything.
All in all, I feel like it was a productive weekend. We ate some really good food and had a major reality check. I feel like this made me realize that we can do this together. K is very important to me and I am so glad that I will marry someone who is willing to sit through something like this with me and actually come out on the other side with some appreciation and knowledge as well.
1. The first thing we learned that completely opened my eyes was the idea that men have brains like a hotel and women have brains like yarn. What that means is that men tend to think more compartmentalized. They have one thought that typically does not lead to another thought. They store things in their brains in different rooms and there is no combining those thoughts. Women's brains are like yarn because everything is connected to something else. This is how women can multi-task. We think of millions of things at one time. One is not better than the other, they are just different and we need to learn to embrace the differences, while also striving to understand that my partner may not view things the same way I do.
2. I realized for the very first time (I know this is very sad) that we are a team. We are not competing. No one can really ever win because we are supposed to be in it together. We need to stop trying to win arguments or prove the other wrong because if my husband is wrong, then I am wrong. We are meant to help each other survive this life together. It is not every man for himself in marriage.
3. Something else I realized is that having expectations are bad. Ok, I realize that you must have expectations when you are dating someone because you don't want to settle, but once you are married, there is no "there must be something better for me out there." You choose to accept that person as they are, past, present and future. Just because you should not have expectations of that person, it does not mean you should not have expectations for the relationship. In the relationship you should take responsibility for making those expectations that you have for the relationship a reality. The only person you can have expectations for is your self.
4. I feel like K and I have always had an understanding about faith and our relationship. It is not about denomination but more about welcoming the Lord into our marriage. There are going to be times when we will not be able to stand being in the same room and we may feel like it is time to call it quits. That is when you put your faith and the whole relationship in God's hands. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. This is something that I feel like we need to remember more than anything.
All in all, I feel like it was a productive weekend. We ate some really good food and had a major reality check. I feel like this made me realize that we can do this together. K is very important to me and I am so glad that I will marry someone who is willing to sit through something like this with me and actually come out on the other side with some appreciation and knowledge as well.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
follow you
Please excuse the face that I have already posted today. I would try and just edit my post from this morning, but that post and this one just really don't go together....Heard this song on the radio and felt the lyrics refreshed my memory as to why I do my job... even though most days I hate it...Check it.
'Cause Faith without works is dead
And on the cross your blood was she'd
So how could I not give it away so freely?
And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.
I give all myself.
I give all myself
I give all myself... to you.
And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.
<3
You lived among the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away.
All my needs you have supplied.
When I was dead you gave me life.
How could I not give it away so freely?
And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.
Use my hands, use my feet
To make your kingdom come
Through the corners of the earth
Until your work is done
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away.
All my needs you have supplied.
When I was dead you gave me life.
How could I not give it away so freely?
And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.
Use my hands, use my feet
To make your kingdom come
Through the corners of the earth
Until your work is done
'Cause Faith without works is dead
And on the cross your blood was she'd
So how could I not give it away so freely?
And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.
I give all myself.
I give all myself
I give all myself... to you.
And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.
<3
blahblahblah
Soooo... I just felt as though this was HILARIOUS so I felt like I should put it somewhere that no one ever sees... aka this blog... (sarcasm... I know that is really hard to convey via internet.. eeesh I gotta work on that)...
I just wanted to say that I am becoming increasingly frustrated with others around me. I feel like the Lord must be doing a number on my heart and trying to get it right because holy cow I might kill someone these days. I don't want to be all bridezilla about my wedding or anything... but it is MY wedding. If you don't want to be a part of it or stick your neck out just a little bit for what is going to be the most important day of my life then you can just move right along. Because I guarantee that I don't need you to make this special for me.
I see selfishness in others, but then I feel convicted because I am being selfish. I am the one who is completely obsessed with this whole wedding thing, and why should I expect anyone else to be totally into it? Well mostly because I would be that way for your wedding... Oh but there I go being selfish again. Maybe I just should learn to not rely on anyone else and just do it myself. Then I can't get disappointed with other people with it doesn't go my way. Eh... whatevs.
That's why I feel like the Lord must be trying to work in me. Because I do feel convicted. How can I expect someone to be self-less when I am being selfish? Oy.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Philippians 2:2-4
....Ah crap.
I just wanted to say that I am becoming increasingly frustrated with others around me. I feel like the Lord must be doing a number on my heart and trying to get it right because holy cow I might kill someone these days. I don't want to be all bridezilla about my wedding or anything... but it is MY wedding. If you don't want to be a part of it or stick your neck out just a little bit for what is going to be the most important day of my life then you can just move right along. Because I guarantee that I don't need you to make this special for me.
I see selfishness in others, but then I feel convicted because I am being selfish. I am the one who is completely obsessed with this whole wedding thing, and why should I expect anyone else to be totally into it? Well mostly because I would be that way for your wedding... Oh but there I go being selfish again. Maybe I just should learn to not rely on anyone else and just do it myself. Then I can't get disappointed with other people with it doesn't go my way. Eh... whatevs.
That's why I feel like the Lord must be trying to work in me. Because I do feel convicted. How can I expect someone to be self-less when I am being selfish? Oy.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Philippians 2:2-4
....Ah crap.
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