building blocks

This weekend, my fiance and I attended a marital counseling/seminar. I have to admit that the main reason why we attended this thing was because you get $60 off your marital license for completing something like this. I was pleasantly surprised that it might have given us more tools to better our relationship and strengthen our future marriage. Before completing the seminar I felt confident but there was a part of me that was a little worried. Not because of him, but because I have some terrible tendencies that I was afraid would take over at some point. Anyway, I just wanted to post some of the most important things that I learned.

1. The first thing we learned that completely opened my eyes was the idea that men have brains like a hotel and women have brains like yarn. What that means is that men tend to think more compartmentalized. They have one thought that typically does not lead to another thought. They store things in their brains in different rooms and there is no combining those thoughts. Women's brains are like yarn because everything is connected to something else. This is how women can multi-task. We think of millions of things at one time. One is not better than the other, they are just different and we need to learn to embrace the differences, while also striving to understand that my partner may not view things the same way I do.

2. I realized for the very first time (I know this is very sad) that we are a team. We are not competing. No one can really ever win because we are supposed to be in it together. We need to stop trying to win arguments or prove the other wrong because if my husband is wrong, then I am wrong. We are meant to help each other survive this life together. It is not every man for himself in marriage.

3. Something else I realized is that having expectations are bad. Ok, I realize that you must have expectations when you are dating someone because you don't want to settle, but once you are married, there is no "there must be something better for me out there." You choose to accept that person as they are, past, present and future. Just because you should not have expectations of that person, it does not mean you should not have expectations for the relationship. In the relationship you should take responsibility for making those expectations that you have for the relationship a reality. The only person you can have expectations for is your self.

4. I feel like K and I have always had an understanding about faith and our relationship. It is not about denomination but more about welcoming the Lord into our marriage. There are going to be times when we will not be able to stand being in the same room and we may feel like it is time to call it quits. That is when you put your faith and the whole relationship in God's hands. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. This is something that I feel like we need to remember more than anything.


All in all, I feel like it was a productive weekend. We ate some really good food and had a major reality check. I feel like this made me realize that we can do this together. K is very important to me and I am so glad that I will marry someone who is willing to sit through something like this with me and actually come out on the other side with some appreciation and knowledge as well.

follow you

Please excuse the face that I have already posted today. I would try and just edit my post from this morning, but that post and this one just really don't go together....Heard this song on the radio and felt the lyrics refreshed my memory as to why I do my job... even though most days I hate it...Check it.

You lived among the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away.

All my needs you have supplied.
When I was dead you gave me life.
How could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.

Use my hands, use my feet
To make your kingdom come
Through the corners of the earth
Until your work is done

'Cause Faith without works is dead
And on the cross your blood was she'd
So how could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.

I give all myself.
I give all myself
I give all myself... to you.

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.


<3

blahblahblah

Soooo... I just felt as though this was HILARIOUS so I felt like I should put it somewhere that no one ever sees... aka this blog... (sarcasm... I know that is really hard to convey via internet.. eeesh I gotta work on that)...

I just wanted to say that I am becoming increasingly frustrated with others around me. I feel like the Lord must be doing a number on my heart and trying to get it right because holy cow I might kill someone these days. I don't want to be all bridezilla about my wedding or anything... but it is MY wedding. If you don't want to be a part of it or stick your neck out just a little bit for what is going to be the most important day of my life then you can just move right along. Because I guarantee that I don't need you to make this special for me.

 I  see selfishness in others, but then I feel convicted because I am being selfish. I am the one who is completely obsessed with this whole wedding  thing, and why should I expect anyone else to be totally into it? Well mostly because I would be that way for your wedding... Oh but there I go being selfish again. Maybe I just should learn to not rely on anyone else and just do it myself. Then I can't get disappointed with other people with it doesn't go my way. Eh... whatevs.

That's why I feel like the Lord must be trying to work in me. Because I do feel convicted. How can I expect someone to be self-less when I am being selfish? Oy.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Philippians 2:2-4

....Ah crap. 

better late than never

I realize that we are halfway through the second month of the year... and while I sincerely hate to make New Years resolutions because let's face it... I never stick to them, I decided instead of making resolutions I should make some promises to myself to better my life. So... without further ado, my promises ladies and gents:

1. I promise to run more. As of late, I have really discovered that running is like therapy for me. I literally let out all of my frustration when I am running. I don't worry about what I have to do tomorrow or what I need to clean or what my fiance said to me that made me want to implode.

2. I promise to develop my relationship with the Lord. This is something that has been very hard for me because when things are going good, I forget to thank the big man upstairs or even holla at him occasionally. I realize that I need to be more in check with him or how can I honestly expect to grow as an individual?

3. I promise to eat better. I have been seeing a lot of sick-nasty crap on the internet lately about my beloved McNuggets. I know, I know, why would I ever have liked them in the first place?? I don't know, it was my dirty little secret. I promise my body that I will not ingest poison like that again. And not just the McNugg... everything that is fast food. Gag me.

4. I promise to simplify my life. This one is probably going to be the hardest one for me to accomplish. Although, I feel like most of the things that I want to promise myself root from this one. I want to literally get rid of everything that I don't need or have no use for. I am about to be getting married and I gotta downsize anyway, so perf time to get this in order. This includes things, foods, and where and when I spend money. I think this will take the most conscious effort.

5. I promise to figure out what my dream is. I feel like I have been walking through this life with no sense of direction. I have been fickle about my decisions and where I want to go in the future. It is time to get right with myself and understand the desires of my heart. I know that only God can lead me in the right direction, so this one kind of plays off of bettering my relationship with the Lord.

6. I promise to work at bettering my relationship with my future husband. I realize that at times I do not value the man that I am going to marry. He is really amazing and treats me like I am a princess. It is time to stop taking that for granted. I think we need to spend more time expanding our relationship. and less time in front of the TV. I am thankful that I have a whole lifetime to work on this promise.

7. I promise to stay positive. This is a hard thing for me because I do tend to complain and see things from a negative perspective. That stops now. Some mornings it is hard to wake up and appreciate my life and what the Lord has blessed me with. It is very easy to see the awful in this world. But no one wants to be around a negative person... it rubs off so easily. Attitude is a choice. I heard once that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. I am choosing to react positively.

<3

lyrics to some emo song.....

Some one wise once told me that "people will only treat you the way that you let them." I know it is kind of a backwards version of "do unto others" or whatever, but it is true. There were some pretty crappy relationships that I have been in over the course of my lifetime. I had this one boyfriend that I just knew I was going to marry. He was really cool and was really good looking (until he stopped bathing... which is a totally different story in itself). I loved his family. I mean loved them. His parents were so nice to me and I got along great with his sister. I may have liked them more than I liked him, but he was apart of the package I guess. He was usually nice to me and he was there for me when I was going through an extremely hard time. He was an emotional backboard when I had no one. Unfortunately, looking back, I have begun to realize that he was part of the reason why I had no one but him. He demanded all of my time and made me feel guilty when I wanted to hang out with my friends. Totally not cool. We began to fight a lot. I mean a lot. Atomic bomb style. Either way, he cheated on me with his raunchy ass ex-girlfriend and I felt like I had to stay with him because I was indebted to him for being there for me when I was hurting. That wasn't right. And that girl was SUCH a bitch. She faked a pregnancy scare 4 days after they did it. I mean, come on. Seriously?  

We stayed together for like a month afterward and I believed that it was going to work. Granted, I always thought about them together and I brought it up and hung it over his head the rest of out relationship (but don't feel bad for him, he was still pretty rude to me too...) But, I remember the time that I realized that I didn't need to put up with his crap anymore. Some people were in awe of how great of a person I was because I was able to forgive him. One of my friends at the time told me that she really admired me because I was "such a good and forgiving person." Part of me really believed that I was just "such a good and forgiving person." Even though every time she said that to me I would throw up in my mouth a little bit.

During all this crap my best friend and I were kind of going through a "falling out." Which not to place blame on anyone, but it was TOTALLY his fault (and partly mine I guess for choosing him ALL the time.) Anyway, we had just begun spending time together again and she said that she was just surprised that I decided to stay with him because she "had never known me to take shit from anyone." I am not going to lie that sort of struck something in me. All those people that thought that I was "such a forgiving person" had no idea that I hadn't forgiven him. I just stopped fighting for myself. I gave up. I let him break me and take all the pieces for himself. Needless to say, those people that thought that I was totally awesome didn't think that I was awesome after I dumped his ass.

I don't necessarily believe that love is blind. I believe that when you have love, it colors the world and that other person to you. You still see what they have done to you, but you find excuses or reasons why it is ok for them to walk all over you.

I don't want anyone to think that I still have feelings for this moronic assface that I am writing about. That ship sailed many years ago. I just hope someone can learn from my mistakes. And, I just want to reiterate something... People will only treat you the way you let them. People will only treat you the way you let them.

People will only treat you the way you let them.

People will only treat you the way you let them. Got it? Good.

wowzas.

This is going to be short and to the point...

I just read in this group that I am in that the maternity home that I was adopted out of used to change the birthdays of some of the babies that were born there... to make it harder for them to find their birth parents later in life.

What if my birthday really isn't my birthday?

AAAND in the 60s they would SELL the babies to the highest bidder.... good thing I wasn't born in the 60s

Someday...

There are days when I hardly think of her. There are days when I never think of her at all. Then there are days when I am completely consumed with wonder and confusion. Today is one of those days. Today, instead of working on my piles of paperwork that continues to grow, I find myself checking all of these random websites that have post after post of someone begging to find someone else. Someone that they once knew even if it was for just a short time. 

I have known my whole life that I was adopted--"special" as my mother called it. She told me since I was a small child that I was carried in another lady's tummy. My mom told me that she chose me. It always made me feel good about myself. In fact, I used to say to my brother-- "mom was STUCK with you, but she CHOSE me." It was a fight he couldn't win. I was special and he wasn't. At least in my mind. 

It wasn't until I got older that I realized there actually was someone else out in the world who could have been my mother. Before I go any further I want to make something clear... I know that the Lord blessed me greatly by putting me in a home with a woman who cares for me more than anything in the world. She has always been good to me and done everything that she could for me, and I love her...she IS my mother.

But there has always been this spot on my heart. It is more like a shadow, if you will. A spot that literally aches every now and then.

I don't really know what I would hope to find if I ever searched for her. I don't know that I would really want a relationship. I might. More than anything I know that I just want closure. I want to know the reason she did it. I want to know what it was like to give up a baby. I want to know if she thinks about me like I think about her. I want to know if she has any other children. I just want to know what she looks like, for crying out loud. 

As the years go by, I have more trouble coming up with reasons why I shouldn't search for her. But there is always one reason I keep coming back to. That reason is the woman who raised me. I feel like she deserves to always be my mother. And I think part of me is afraid that if I do find her, my attention would be divided. I don't want that for her. She doesn't deserve that. 

Maybe someday I will have the courage.