Last night an old friend asked me to go to a worship service out at this church that totally freaks me out. It is one of those "mega churches" if you know what I mean. They have like 20,000 members or something. That is not some place that I ever would have thought about going to anything. And while it was awkward and at times uncomfortable because I didn't know anyone and I didn't know any of the songs they sang, there was a reason that I was supposed to be there last night. I know that I have complained time and time again about my job. It is something that I have struggled with since I started and at times, I feel as though this is not something I can do anymore.
Well, let me tell you a little something about how God works. My whole life I have had a hard time seeing the big picture. I am so close to myself and my own world that I cannot see God working. When I graduated college I applied for tons of jobs. I mean like 40. ridiculous. I didn't get a single interview. I blamed that on the economy and the hard times. Well this job that I have I wasn't even looking for. My friend sent me a picture of an ad in the paper about this job. This was at the beginning of my search and I hadn't even really begun to feel pressure of needing a job... In fact... I think this was the first job I applied for. I sent my resume in mid-May. I didn't hear anything for months. In fact, I forgot that I even applied. Then one day late June I got a call saying they would like to interview me. So I went in. Worst. Interview. EVER. I am surprised I didn't cry. I was sweaty, I mumbled, I know my face was red because I could see my cheeks out of the corner of my eyes. When I got out of the interview I called my mother and just let it out. Bawled like a little baby. 3 Days later they called and told me I had the job. Everything was just too easy.
So I have been at this job for a few months and at times I just want to scream out the doors and never look back. It is hard. I have to see innocent children in situations that literally tear my heart to shreds. I cannot believe that there are people in this world that would put a child in that kind of danger. I love being there for the kids. Its the paperwork that makes me want to gouge my eyes out.
I have been complaining and complaining repeatedly about this job. The pay sucks, I have an extreme amount of work... etc. etc. etc.
Last night the Lord took the wind out of my body. Literally. He pushed me so hard I almost cried in front of a hundred people that I don't know. We were worshiping... or I was listening to others worship... when the song leader said..."I don't know why, but this verse has been on my heart all week long."
He read Psalm 84:10 "For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness."
After that he said, "David was willing to have the worst job imaginable. He would have rather swept the floors, or cleaned the toilets in the house of the Lord than have some high paying job in the world. To be the doorkeeper, you have the lowest job. You don't even get to be inside the building. He would have rather stood at the door just to be in the presence of God than be on the inside of the presence of wicked people."
I felt so ashamed. I had been taking advantage of what the Lord had given me.
My job sucks. But I am fighting for the Lord. My job is a battlefield. These children are out there and they have no one. They don't have someone to stand up for them in the face of evil.
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