mama said...

The moral of the story today kids.... things work out. 

I don't know why I sometimes believe differently. I know that I have this problem with being a control freak. I am always scared that if I don't do it, it is not going to happen. There are times when I forget. I freak out and become overwhelmed and think that the world is ending. But then... somehow... everything is fine--usually no thanks to me, by the way. 

I feel like maybe I was born a worrier. My mother always told me that I was a worry wart. But it is true. I remember when I was a small child--like, maybe Pre-K-- I would want to take my favorite toys with me to school. I would need to take, like, 3 stuffed animals, a blanket, and a barbie with me in my backpack. Why? because I just knew that while I was gone my house was going to burn down. It never did. I had no reason to think that it could.  I WAS FIVE. Are you kidding me? How ridiculous. 

And when I was in middle school I felt the need to double check all of the locks on the doors before bedtime because I knew someone was going to break in. Now, looking back I realize that if someone is going to break in to my house, the front door probably wouldn't be the entry of choice.

And even still... I worry about daily things. I worry about what is going to happen when my elderly dog dies. I worry about my friends and family. I worry about my parents safely going to New Mexico next week. I worry about everything working out for my wedding. I worry about everything period.  I mean it is absolutely insane...not to mention that it makes it hard for me to concentrate on anything else. 

So here I am. I am at this major turning point in my life. The days that I don't use any thought control worry overtakes me. I am deciding to use some advice that my wise old Ma gave to me. 

There was this one time that I was completely obsessing over something. I don't have a clue what that something was, but I remember that I was just overwhelmed and crying and yelling and the whole nine yards. My mom grabbed my shoulders and shook me a little and said to me, "Has God ever not fixed your problems?" She told me to look back over my life and think of one crisis that had not worked out. I couldn't come up with a single one. 

Something else my wise old ma told me. worry = sin. WHAAAAAAT? I know, right? Crazy. She said, "When you worry... you are telling God he can't. You are telling him that you do not believe his promise to you and that your problem / struggle is bigger than he is." 

Ouch Ma. That one hurt. 

Isaiah 41:10 
"Fear not, for I am with you. I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Philippians 4:6-7 
 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Hebrews 13:5-6

"I will never leave you. I will never forsake you. Therefore we can say with confidence. the Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can mere man do to me?"

So today... This is my mantra: Things will work out. Why? Cause God said so.

convictions

Last night an old friend asked me to go to a worship service out at this church that totally freaks me out. It is one of those "mega churches" if you know what I mean. They have like 20,000 members or something. That is not some place that I ever would have thought about going to anything. And while it was awkward and at times uncomfortable because I didn't know anyone and I didn't know any of the songs they sang, there was a reason that I was supposed to be there last night. I know that I have complained time and time again about my job. It is something that I have struggled with since I started and at times, I feel as though this is not something I can do anymore. 

Well, let me tell you a little something about how God works. My whole life I have had a hard time seeing the big picture. I am  so close to myself and my own world that I cannot see God working. When I graduated college I applied for tons of jobs. I mean like 40. ridiculous. I didn't get a single interview. I blamed that on the economy and the hard times. Well this job that I have I wasn't even looking for. My friend sent me a picture of an ad in the paper about this job. This was at the beginning of my search and I hadn't even really begun to feel pressure of needing a job... In fact... I think this was the first job I applied for. I sent my resume in mid-May. I didn't hear anything for months. In fact, I forgot that I even applied. Then one day late June I got a call saying they would like to interview me. So I went in. Worst. Interview. EVER. I am surprised I didn't cry. I was sweaty, I mumbled, I know my face was red because I could see my cheeks out of the corner of my eyes. When I got out of the interview I called my mother and just let it out. Bawled like a little baby. 3 Days later they called and told me I had the job. Everything was just too easy.

So I have been at this job for a few months and at times I just want to scream out the doors and never look back. It is hard. I have to see innocent children in situations that literally tear my heart to shreds. I cannot believe that there are people in this world that would put a child in that kind of danger. I love being there for the kids. Its the paperwork that makes me want to gouge my eyes out. 

I have been complaining and complaining repeatedly about this job. The pay sucks, I have an extreme amount of work... etc. etc. etc. 

Last night the Lord took the wind out of my body. Literally. He pushed me so hard I almost cried in front of a hundred people that I don't know. We were worshiping... or I was listening to others worship... when the song leader said..."I don't know why, but this verse has been on my heart all week long." 

He read Psalm 84:10 "For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness."

After that he said, "David was willing to have the worst job imaginable. He would have rather swept the floors, or cleaned the toilets in the house of the Lord than have some high paying job in the world. To be the doorkeeper, you have the lowest job. You don't even get to be inside the building.  He would have rather stood at the door just to be in the presence of God than be on the inside of the presence of wicked people."

I felt so ashamed. I had been taking advantage of what the Lord had given me. 

My job sucks. But I am fighting for the Lord. My job is a battlefield. These children are out there and they have no one. They don't have someone to stand up for them in the face of evil.

Defending the fatherless...

nfjdksfens

 This is totally one of those days where I just feel like listening to Mayday Parade and lay in my bed and feel sorry for myself--ridiculous right? I know. I just don't feel like this job is really working out lately. I feel so emotionally overwhelmed with stupid situations that people won't shut up about. You chose to welcome these children into your home. If you don't want them there, then quit taking them in. Don't punish the children for your inability to do the job. I wish I could say that to them and not get fired. Buuuut I can't. Sigh.

I can't wait to run later.